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ABBY’S LEGACY
This page is dedicated to “Abby”, who was lost to an automobile accident, by a local family and who contacted the web site for information. At that time I realized that there not only wasn’t anything on this site concerning the death of a pet and the related mourning a family or person may go through. Neither was there much available on the web with one excellent exception, which is mentioned at the end of this article. Therefore, this page was assembled for our visitors, and is part of the legacy Abby left behind for posterity. We hope you find it useful.
Jump right to the FAQs
and skip this Introduction
Have you recently, or even not so recently lost a much loved companion pet or family pet? These pages are meant for you, then. I (the author of this copyrighted document) have looked hard for information on this subject and found it lacking.
Losing a pet can be tough. You keep listening for familiar sounds. Some faint sound or sight reminds you to do something you no longer have to do. They’re missing from their favorite places whether it’s on the bed or sofa or the floor behind your chair. Guilt and/or anger well up. The imagination seems to remember all the “mean” things that happened. No one else seems to notice the missing pet. Or everyone remembers. Others don’t seem to care. No one to talk to about the feelings. And the list goes on and on. Sound familiar?
Losing a pet can indeed be traumatic. Sometimes very traumatic. It leaves the owner grieving, sometimes for long periods of time, and in a situation where others seem incapable of understanding your feelings; with no one to talk to about it, because of the often mistaken belief that no one else wants to hear how you feel; or with questions regarding your own feelings, and an as yet unknown possible pet’s place in your own future.
It’s tough to lose a pet; I know. I’ve had pets since childhood and lost them to death through many different means over the nearly 60 years I’ve shared my home with pets. I have even grieved over the demise of a wild grass snake in our yard who always came out to watch me mow the grass; there was one bush in particular that he’d always go to, and would coil up in the sun nearby and raise his head, watching me. His head swayed to and fro as I passed by on the riding mower, marveling over the attention I was receiving from this snake. I don’t know why he did it; I just know that I liked his attention, for whatever the reason was that he bestowed it upon me. I suppose what I was really doing was exposing food for him and he’d discovered a “safe” place to lie while I had my noisy mower running over the grass. It was many grass mowings after his death before I finally stopped grieving and instead had warm memories of that symbiotic relationship we shared together.
With death being part of the “living process” I’ve found that, in every case, my grief eventually faded and was replaced by the memories of the good parts of our relationship, whether it was a dog, cat, that snake, a pair of chipmunks, even an alligator at one time, not counting some chickens and hamsters when I was a child.
Those feelings are even multiplied at this late stage of my life now, because my pets are my only consistent contact with other beings beyond my wife; they are my constant companions now.
The best thing about pets is that they give you unconditional love. Treated humanely and given even a small amount of respect and care, they respond with full, unconditional love.
If you have any questions or comments you’d like to make, please feel free to let me know. I answer all e-mails eventually but not always promptly; sorry.
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Helpful FAQs for those with such losses:
Often people may not understand how you feel about the death of your pet and may not think to extend the sympathy and support you may need at such a time. These FAQs are aimed at helping with some of that confusion, loneliness and even the grief. They are in no particular order; simply as they came to mind, or as presented to me via other sources.
SHOULD I REPLACE MY PET?
In my immediate opinion, no, because it can not be done. If that response bothers you, please skip immediately to the next item!
Your pet was as unique as you are and there will never be another one “just like” that one. So, in that manner, a pet can not be “replaced”, but the hole they leave can often be filled again, just not in the same exact way. There IS a pet waiting to receive your love and to return it in full. You only need to be ready for that to happen, and able to think clearly enough to be fair to both you and the pet.
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THEN SHOULD I GET ANOTHER PET?
Yes, No, and Maybe:
Maybe. Just be sure you are ready and that you have the mental, physical and financial resources to get another pet. It’s generally not a good idea to get a pet immediately after having just lost one who was especially important to you. The chances of expecting the newcomer to be the “same” as your lost pet are too great while you are grieving and overly emotional. Once your emotions and grieving are under control, THEN you are ready to consider bringing a newcomer into your home. THEN you can love it and if it’s not “just like” the lost pet, well, that will be OK with you because you’ll be able to understand that every pet is as unique as you are, and you can learn much from each other as you experience new and exciting beginnings together. The unconditional love of a pet can be one of nature’s strongest therapies.
Yes. When you’re ready, and assuming you have the desire, the strength, and abilities to care for another pet, certainly, yes, you should get another pet. You’ll know in your heart when the time is right.
No. Not immediately, at least. If you haven’t come to complete terms with the loss of your previous pet, please, try to wait until you’re sure in your heart that you know what to do. Just be sure not to rush into it so you can be fair both to yourself and to your new pet.
It’s also a good idea to let your family members know your feelings in these cases. You may prevent someone from giving you a new pet as a gift, before you’re ready for it, something that in my opinion at least should never be done. Pets are beings, not surprise gifts, and can only be matched properly by YOU, no matter how well meaning your family may be and how much they may love you.
The loss of a pet can also be a time for teaching if you have young children in your family. Just answer any questions they may have as truthfully as you can and in ways they will understand. Don’t volunteer answers to unasked questions; let them direct the conversation.
It can also create a certain togetherness for the whole family if the pet is given any sort of funeral or remembrance. Or maybe a dinnertime can be devoted to the pet, during the deserts, so feelings can be shared, or during the mealtime grace if you practice that.
In particular, I’d like to suggest that people refrain from ever telling children that a pet is “just sleeping”, or “gone to a farm” and things like that. I can’t tell you how long I kept asking to go to “that farm” as a kid, and wondering where it was. I never developed a fear of sleeping thankfully, but I have read accounts of children being afraid to go to sleep for fear of being buried alive or thrown away as their pets were. A child’s mind is fragile and very imaginative; logic isn’t their foremost ability.
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HOW CAN I EVER GET ANOTHER PET AS GOOD AS (name here) WAS?
It would be very surprising if you could. Whatever it was about your lost pet that you found most endearing is very likely not going to be present in the same way in the next pet. Each animal is unique, just as you and I are. That’s not to say, however, that your next pet won’t have an equally wonderful and endearing quality as the lost pet; it may just be different is all.
IF you have this question, you may not yet be through with the grieving process. If an exact clone of your lost pet is a necessity for you, that’s a sure sign that you are not ready yet; please wait a bit longer.
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BUT WHAT IF I DON’T GET A GOOD PET?
I really don’t think there is any such thing as a “good” or a “bad” pet, depending on how those terms are defined. Over my life I’ve seen “good” pets being “bad” pets because of their owner’s shortcomings and a lack of proper considerations for the pet. I’ve also seen “bad” pets become very “good” pets, again because of their owners’ love, respect and care.
Overall, pets will be as “good” or as “bad” as their owners permit or teach them to be. With exceptions for sickness, injury and the like, nearly every pet becomes what its owner allows and teaches it to become. As long as you have the resources, mental, physical and financial, to make your pet happy, you are about 99.999% sure to have another “good” pet.
WHEN WILL THE GRIEF GO AWAY?
That, unfortunately is a question that cannot be answered; every one is different. It WILL go away, though! It may be a few days, weeks, or even several months, but eventually you will feel stronger and your memories of your pet will turn to warmer, more acceptable thoughts of the good times shared.
The normal process is that as the grief begins to subside, it is replaced by the fonder memories and experiences that pet and you had together. It can be a slow change, but it always happens. Beginning to remember the good without excessive grief is a sure sign of becoming emotionally stable and ready to go forward.
As a pet owner since my early childhood, I still occasionally feel very sad at certain thoughts that seem to come from nowhere. But most of them have turned to warm, grateful feelings these days and that’s good, I think.
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WHAT DO I DO WITH MY PET’S REMAINS?
Again, this is a personal decision for the most part, taking into account any legal regulations that may exist.
You can often bury the pet on your own property if you can manage it, and even hold a ceremony for them, to say goodbye. You might choose to use a pet cemetery in some circumstances, although in my opinion that can be an expensive thing to do.
Most veterinarians will offer cremation services, just like for people. If you can’t afford cremation or cemetery plots for your pet, but wish to do the “right thing” ask your veterinarian for advice. They can usually help with a respectful and satisfactory response to what can be done.
When my Mother was with us, she felt very comforted knowing that her pet Chihuahua was buried out back, beneath a shade tree, and it gave her some comfort. At 78 years old, she was very attached to her companion of so many years.
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ARE THERE ANY REASONS I “SHOULD” GET ANOTHER PET?
If you are an animal lover, have the resources, and if you have reached the point where another pet would make you happy, sure! Animal populations are far higher in quantity than the number that can be adopted. Their sheer numbers make the very distasteful option of euthanasia a necessity. As much as I abhor euthanasia, I understand its necessity however, and I do realize it’s a much kinder and more humane thing to do than to leave them to die a possibly horrible death, alone and miserable. This is the reason I politic for animals to be adopted from animal shelters and to avoid pet shops where the only concern might be profit.
WHERE SHOULD I GO FOR MY NEW PET?
Well, that’s admittedly a self-serving, selfish heading, but, in alignment with the paragraph above, I am convinced the best place to go for a new pet is your local animal shelter whether it be the Humane Society or ASPCA or any of the many animal rescue organizations around. The very reason I am the volunteer web manager for the St. Lawrence Valley SPCA web site is because I KNOW and have SEEN the wonderful care given to their animals and how hard the SPCA Staff and volunteers work to make their animals ready for adoption and happy while their stay at the shelter lasts.
I don’t recommend pet shops for many reasons I won’t go into here, but in general I don’t find them acceptable. A reputable breeder can be a good choice though, if you must have a pedigreed animal.
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http://www.petloss.com/ is a web site with some very nice poems and thoughts for our dear departed pets and for us. I don’t visit it often because for me it tends to bring back some very sad memories and feelings, but at the same time they are healing processes and I DO recommend at least checking it out. I’m not much of a poetry fan, but I do have to admit to absolutely loving the poem “Rainbow Bridge”. But, you’ll find much more there than just poetry; a lot more. And I think you might really like the site. Try it and see.
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RESOURCES
And finally, a few words about “resources”: Mental, physical and financial resources sound pretty much self explanatory, but you know, they really are not. This is far from all-inclusive, but rather is intended to describe the basic nature of each of the three resources.
- Mental: You’re emotionally stable, have been able to “let go” of your recently deceased pet, and fully understand that your new pet is a NEW pet, and as wonderful as they usually turn out to be, is NOT going to be the same as the one you lost.
- Physical: You are sure you can perform the physical tasks of taking care of a pet, especially a dog. You have the time and energy to take them for daily walks, to shop for their needs, to bathe and perform all the daily tasks which will require your attention, and caring for it through sicknesses and injuries. And most of all, that you are willing to do that “forever” or in this case, as long as your pet shall live. If those thoughts don’t bring you warm, happy feelings that you might not do “what it takes” , then you might not be ready for another pet. Yet.
- Financial: Remember, owning a pet can be expensive at times. You must pay for shots periodically each year, pay for their yearly license, have them spayed or neutered, provide food in plentiful amounts, veterinary care when sick or injured, and toys, blankets, maybe some sort of bed, etc etc etc..
Individually, except for veterinary care for unexpected sickness and injury, most of these aren’t huge bills. But over the course of a year, especially that first year, it can amount to a fair amount of money when you total everything up. Be sure your pet can have a great start in its new life with you.
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Fortunately, I can personally withstand the above requirements and I feel very lucky about that. Compared to the unconditional love and warmth my pets give to me, they are merely something I must do and will continue to do and have done for them, not tasks or hardships. They aren’t tasks; they’re simply the route to having happy, healthy pets who give me the unconditional love I know they’re capable of.
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